27.4.14

I  have that sociopathic quality of emptiness.

21.4.14

Woke up from a horrible series of dreams.
I was sleeping in my old house that I grew up in.
And my dad came into my room and got into my bed.
I had a feeling that he was there for the wrong reason.
So I made myself fall off the bed.
And in my dream, I woke.
It was the heaviest feeling.
The haziest dizzy.
And I asked him what he's doing.
He was naked.
He told me that he had been touching himself.
And "Daddy really wants Mommy."
And I asked him Are you trying to have sex with me?
He got really uncomfortable.
And he was really drunk in my dream.
And overweight like he was when I was growing up.
And he went to my bedroom door.
I followed him.
And he had some naked drunken man friend there, waiting.
And I asked my dad Have you ever had sex with me before?
And he was shaking and just repeated my question.
And I said Have you ever touched me before.
And I could barely get these things out of my mouth.
It was hard to push out the words, they were like warbled whispers.
And he was just drunk and shaking.
And He tried to lie.
But in my dream, I knew I've always been wondering this.
And in the next dream,
I watched him and his girlfriend fuck for a second.
And we leave the house, and some cop is getting busted by another cop.
And I hear the cop say "the last thing I heard this cop say is that he takes a right any time he wants."
Which in my dream was some old school rule that cops had that was no longer valid.
And my dad was talking so much shit being so haughty about this bad cop.
And it was all such bullshit to me because he was worse.
And we're sitting in the car waiting for his girlfriend.
And he told me he had watched some really good lesbian porn.
And I said Oh yeah when.
He said yesterday.
It was some American Apparel girls.
And they were eating each other out super slow.
And I can't remember how else he described it.
But I said Cool.
I was just numbed and distant.
And kind of unfazed after the first dream.
And his girlfriend comes in.
And they just got back together.
And she was all happy and giddy and stupid and bimbo.
And I sat in the car.
And I knew everything.



Maybe it's just some Freud shit.
I've had dreams my whole life that my dad was trying to sleep with me.
I don't know why it happened now.
And I think it's weird that he looked and acted like he did when I was growing up.
I hope that it was just a weird dream.
And that my mind wasn't trying to tell me anything.

20.4.14

I feel like it isn't unnormal.
That when a boy gives me head.
And then kisses me after. 
It is nice to taste myself on him. 

19.4.14

I guess that they also called 911 on him, and he had to get resuscitated back. 
And he had a rosary in his hand.  

Mario followed me around last night. 
I hate when men caress my face. 
I try to be obvious when I'm not into someone. 
But they don't listen much. 

I guess I like when Chaz holds my face. 
I like laying with him, too. 
There is something about us. 
But I think that it doesn't have to be addressed. 
About to get crushed by a taxi as I say "let's do a little coke"

17.4.14

Also, still wish I was anorexic. 
I'm mostly alone until I'm in love.
Also,
As I lose interest in this other lad,
He seems to have gained more interest.
Oh, I don't give enough of a fuck to play.
No, I don't want to cuddle even if we don't have sex.
Because I just like being alone.
Calling and texting so much more since the second time we had sex.
And I know that the head I gave wasn't good because it bored me.
I think I was really loving in bed.
And the back massages afterwards when you lay on top.
Well, oops.
I can't help you.
I think my sweetness in bed may have lead a person on to think that I am a sweet girl. 

14.4.14

Well I am glad that I hover on the edge of things when it comes to men.
This one ended up going insane.
It was the fourth time that I had seen him.
And there was something odd in his eyes.
He wouldn't stop touching me in front of everyone.
And he wanted to go into one of my friends rooms.
But I told him that I was not interested in doing that.
He splits a fifth of tequila with me, 
But it does not sit with him as well as it does for me.
I think that he was already high on something odd.
He was being a bit abrasive to my friends.
And that's not going to work.
He kept trying to play his own music on the computer.
And I just don't feel as if that is appropriate when you don't know anyone, and it is not your house.
He told me in Russian that he loved me.
I spoke back to him in the same that he did not.
And that kind of bummed him out.
He wasn't interacting with my friends correctly.
But I wanted to spend time with them.
So I left him sometimes.
He couldn't do well on his own.
He wasn't pleasant.
I was sitting outside with a cigarette when Liza tells me that he dropped Helena's computer.
And I walk in, 
I hear him speaking gibberish.
Just warbles of nothing gurgling out of his mouth.
He is bummed no one likes his music.
And I told him that he had to leave.
He didn't understand.
Oh, it lasted so long.
He wouldn't leave.
I told him he was acting like a fool.
And that he was too fucked up.
And he refused to accept that.
He started trying to speak to me in Russian.
So I yelled at him in Russian.
And I grew louder and louder with anger.
He seemed about to leave.
Leah shows up in a cab,
I run to her and hug her hello, happy.
I ignored him, and thought he would just leave with that.
But he didn't.
So, he stared to grab me, 
And Leah started pushing him away.
This one girl who was a bitch the whole time made me feel like I was a bit crazy.
Helena's boyfriend said that he found the guy crying in the gutter,
smashing his phone to pieces.



Needless to say, I killed him in less than a week.

11.4.14

Dreamt I was a prostitute last night. 
And that I just wanted it, I couldn't help myself. 

9.4.14

There's a Worthless show tonight. 
And that boy is supposed to be there. 
But I am nervous. 
Because. 
Well what if he doesn't come. 
Because I told too many weird stories. 

I don't know.
He kissed me after the stories. 

But the next morning, people think over the night before. 
And he'll remember everything I said!

Well, if that's the case. 
I have learned to withhold my oddities for early interactions. 

7.4.14

Bad

I don't think that I should say this
but like
There was something in the way this man pursued me
that seems
like
I don't know. Like I might get fucked into liking how he is nice to me
and being comforted by that

Bad girl love tha bad bad things.
It’s my little nose that needs cocaine.
Met a man that make me wanna touch.
I’ve got too many reasons to get fucked up.

Think I may have given you a glisten.
Of something that only locks you in my prison.
I stare in the mirror and crave muh cravez.
Cocaine passion has risen from the grave.

Stupid seventeen year old shithead, an addict.
Five years later, baby makes me romantic.
Silver snake, 
Once again, I’m to break.
I know that I musn’t,
But I love you, cocaine.
Oh!
OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH
Well okay, I have something to say.
Well, I have kissed a boy last night!
I kissed him three times!
Well, he was the one who kissed me!
And I really enjoyed kissing him!
You want to know what he has told me?

Okay, so.
The first night, he told me that he was watching me dance,
And that I made him blush.
And he left because he didn't see me.
Um,
But I was touching myself in the bathroom imagining him giving me head.
So, oops.
And then, let me try to remember what he told me last night.
That the way I dance is mesmerizing.
That he missed me the day in between we saw each other.
And he wanted to text me, but didn't let himself.
And he told me that he wished he could come home with me.
But that it would be better if we wait.
And we don't have to do everything at once.
And we should take it slow.
Um.
Woah.

Oh, but I was trying to keep the conversation flowing,
So I told morbid stories, oops.
Ugh, but at least he still kissed me after that!
Wow.
Um.
I don't know.
I just want to have fun, but I enjoy the time I've spent with him.
He was with another girl when I met him.
So I should be aware of the fact he might have women hidden behind doors.
But we checked out booties together.
We made out.
We made out.
We made out.
He bought me two shots.
And gave me a swipe for the subway.

Wow, he's just really attractive,
I like his big smile and nice teeth.
Ooooh na na wanna take off his clothes one day.
I think about it, and my chest falls off a cliff.

His name is Mike, and he's Russian, Ukraine, Lebanese, and something else.
22, graduate SVA for animation.
Um.
Whatever, this is awesome.

So, he missed his train to wait for mine,
And we make out.
Make out.
Make out.
And I have to transfer to the G.
I sit down and check my email.
And I got into Sva.

1.4.14

Blacked out on a Monday 💀😈🍸👾🔮🌀