23.5.14

230514
Finland is the most passive woman that I have ever met.
Her purity is calming, though it makes me realize she is lucky that I'm not here for long.
I slithered my way onto her skin running away from what I've become in America.
This country, I could swoon in one night only to leave her dead and freshly evil.
It's so easy to destroy pure things.
It's usually a guilty accident.
However, I have come here in weakness, and these streets are so clean.
The air smells of freshly mown grass like that of my baby days,
But the little bits of gasoline make me feel as if I am already in Russia.
Everyone here has multiple dogs of the same breed,
And I wonder if that is due to aesthetics or the lack of creativity.
Maybe they never separate the siblings because everyone is so soft hearted, and that makes sense.

But yes, they are so sweet here.
I feel so separated and as if I don't belong.
I would frighten these people.
They are bold in their happiness, and many have come up offering help.
It seems that they view others as fellow human beings
Rather than the way New Yorkers view each other as ants that crowd the sidewalk.
This girl who works in a booth selling coffee by the Gulf of Finland gave me a poem that she wrote,
And to sum it up, she dreams of bigger things, 
But understands there is a bit of torture to endure
In order to seal your escape.
I don't think that there will be many moments in our lives where we are satisfied in the present
Because we are always aspiring for what we believe could be better.
That's really okay, though.
It causes for the constant strive towards growth,
And to simply plateau where you stand
Would leave you as lazy as a glop.
There aren't many trash cans here,
But there are many people who walk around picking up waste.
And though the tram is just like the one in Poland,
These people are passive in a different way than the Pols.
The folks here are quiet in a positive silence
Rather than the pained expressions I was surrounded by in Krakow.
The elevators are like those in Russia.
Small cages that you shove yourself into.
So sensitive, they break.
But this time,
Instead of freezing still in between floors,
This one paused and started to descend back to the ground.
It was frightening, but I wasn't surprised
Because my luck always brings me to deathly accidents.
Ah, but the smell of these elevators.
It is the same as Russia and Italy.
It's this dustiness that is so specific.
I don't know why, but it's something I want in my mouth.
To roll up this dust into a cigarette.
And smoke this memorable stench only to stain my lungs with it.


Everything I unpack smells of cinnamon and cigarettes,
And I guess that is a good way to describe myself.
Traveling with my mother has its benefits,
But Jesus, I am left to swim in my mind so much
That I feel consumed and alone in this journey.
We went to the island of Suomenlinna
Where there is this village of artists and angry geese.
We took a ferry there,
And I was engulfed by children.
One had a toy repeating the tune of Rudolf the Fucking Reindeer.
I think it is my karma enduring this because I was the loudest and most energetic child of them all.
So much that I've quoted my mother saying she wanted to kill me all of my childhood.
There were so many dungeons to explore.
I felt all of the evil in them.
My mother didn't follow me as I ran` down the hill,
And I knew she would be a piss about it,
But being alone felt so good.
I miss myself.
Waiting for the ferry,
I was laying in the sun basking like a lizard,
And what do I know,
This lizard is basking in fresh bird shit.

I think that a big part of the way I feel is related to the fact that I haven't listened to any music nor made any.
I've trolled my own soundcloud for only a few moments.
We went to a photo exhibit,
And I hid myself in a dark corner where they were projecting.
And I just sang and sang, and my anxiety melted into something I could stomp.
I think the purity of this town just aids the spin in my skull.
And the fact that I accidentally brought cocaine with me.
That god damn silver snake has followed me through out the years.
That inhale intake, I'm in love with a bad woman that I can't leave.
Oh, but I must, and I will, it's going to be okay, I know.
I'm about the get on the train to Russia.
I don't feel like I'm out of the country.
I feel nothing.
I think it is because I am living in my head.
Frozen in time.

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