I also have no idea what my body looks like. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and feel like I am beautiful. But a lot of the time, I find myself just ashamed and surprised. At my. Wide obesity. Oh, I know I'm not so drastic. But I'm very shocked at my shape. It is so sad. I'm also a little confused maybe I have body dysmorphia.
But I honestly just want to be thin again it's been very difficult these past two years to be where I once graciously was.
Leave me to be My own mistakes that may leave my body and mind to degrade I may end up empty and incorrect Alive with my mind already in the grave With thinning bones like the hair that I call my own My skin's falling off, and it's the moon that makes me moan.
But my own mistakes may leave me to be placated in a plateau of partial satisfaction. Where you're happy, and I'm kind of okay. At least I ain't lovin' on cocaine.
Leave me to be My mistakes make me holy and make me wise You uncomfortable the way that I eat the flies Right out of yo mouth as you spit your lies
We not gonna have the same kind of life Don't tell me I ain't doin' it right.
Your anxiety brings back the palpitations The same ones that my grandfather suffered from And he told you not to save him And as you did, he blasts his brains with a pistol gun.
You blame the parents, but you've never given thought to The fact that every kid in the silent sweet neighbourhood you kept us sheltered in Was taking your children and turning them psychologically blue Money buys a nice street to live on, But I'm sorry to let you know everyone's on meth and heroin.
Continuing to question what's wrong with your hell bent children Without realizing there are other sources of destruction I'll get through these things on my own whim And become my own source of affection.
I'm sitting in the United Club for fancy rich people. Or I guess folks who fly for business. And maybe I'm the dumb lil broad who's daddy used his miles to give her a nice flight. Anyway, Well, I have quite a few thoughts through my head. Okay, first, I must say that I kind of binged the past two days. I think that it was the awareness of free food coming to an end once again as this California vacation ends. And I have the plan to starve away my days and do yoga every 24 hours. I'm going to hide in my apartment for a few days. Smoke my weed that I'm sneaking across the country. Drink chilled white wine that I buy from the daily wine tasting in my liquor store downstairs. And it's good for me to buy alcohol because I'm on the rewards system! Every purchase leads to more free money towards booze. I'm going to get stoned and drunk alone and run around my apartment in my underwear painting paintings and dancing dances and singing songs. And developing my colour film and scanning it. Okay, and you know what. Bryce has been on my mind a lot. I think that it's because I spent a lot of time with his family. And he sent me this message at 2 am about how he put my bracelets up in important places in his room that he sees when he wakes up. And it's to remind him of me and my spirit. Which is so interesting. I feel like I may have impacted this guy. It's been almost two years since we were sleeping together. But we still think about each other and are caring towards one another. I don't know, sometimes I feel like we're unfinished. And I'm never sure about the present, but neither of us have really been sleeping with anyone, and we're usually on the same page with what we want when it comes to sex and relationships. I don't fucking know. But it's good to have someone to think about. And I don't feel bad thinking about him.
I'm so fat right now, it makes me sad. I can fix that, though. It hasn't made me as depressed and anti social as usual. Guys in Sacramento still think I'm hot HAHAHAHHA
Okay, so I've been dreaming that I fall in love with someone every night. And, wow, it's such a strong thing to feel inside of myself. I know it's coming. The Law of Attraction, dude. Okay, so. There was this one dream a while ago that is haunting me. I was in love with my teacher, and it was like. I just knew we were meant to be, and I was bold about it. He was hesitant because I was young and his student. But I couldn't control myself. I told him that we're in love with each other, and it's okay. I can't forget how I felt when I looked in his eyes as cheezy as that sounds. And I can't forget that warmtone velvet feeling.
Of having a heart.
I have been hesitant to do a tarot reading, but I went on and did so. It said that I am to fall in love soon, but it's been saying that for a year. But it told me that it's going to be an older man. And I thought of my dream. I think it will be a teacher at SVA.
Also, Chris and Michael Berry did something to Sasha when he was little he doesn't want to talk about it, but I am pretty sure I know what it is because basically all the children in that neighbourhood did the same to me it was so fucked up. Everywhere we've lived has supposedly been a safe neighbourhood, but all the kids are fucked up and fucking you up.
I have to see Chaz tomorrow because he's leaving as much as I am ashamed of my body right now. We're in love. But we'll probably never fall in love.