23.8.14

The thing is that I've been eating minimal for almost a week,
And I'm still so fucked up
I fit into nothing 
What has happened to my body
I can't believe this
I'm
So ashamed
I'm
So
Disappointed 
I also have no idea what my body looks like.
Sometimes, I look in the mirror and feel like I am beautiful.
But  a lot of the time, I find myself just ashamed and surprised.
At my.
Wide obesity.
Oh,  I know I'm not so drastic.
But I'm very shocked at my shape.
It is so sad.
I'm also a little confused maybe I have body dysmorphia.

But I honestly just want to be thin again it's been very difficult these past two years to be where I once graciously was.
Bryan called truce. 
That is interesting. 
We'll see what that is. 

Oh, but what was I going to write about. 

I don't know, but I'm alone a lot as I want to be right now. 
Keeping my house clean.  
I've been taking the pills and avoiding my gluttony. 
But I can assure that  I eat all that's necessary. 
Still a bit more than necessary :/

I fell in love with a boy one night. 
Haha, we'll not actual love, of course! 
But  one sweet lullaby of a few hours was enough for me. 


9.8.14

Muh gums, they get swollen
But I swish this cognac in between muh teeth, and I'm numbed in.

Pawps

Leave me to be
My own mistakes that may leave my body and mind to degrade
I may end up empty and incorrect
Alive with my mind already in the grave
With thinning bones like the hair that I call my own
My skin's falling off, and it's the moon that makes me moan.

But my own mistakes may leave me to be placated in a plateau of partial satisfaction.
Where you're happy, and I'm kind of okay.
At least I ain't lovin' on cocaine.

Leave me to be
My mistakes make me holy and make me wise
You uncomfortable the way that I eat the flies
Right out of yo mouth as you spit your lies
We not gonna have the same kind of life
Don't tell me I ain't doin' it right.

Your anxiety brings back the palpitations
The same ones that my grandfather suffered from
And he told you not to save him
And as you did, he blasts his brains with a pistol gun.

You blame the parents, but you've never given thought to
The fact that every kid in the silent sweet neighbourhood you kept us sheltered in
Was taking your children and turning them psychologically blue
Money buys a nice street to live on,
But I'm sorry to let you know everyone's on meth and heroin.

Continuing to question what's wrong with your hell bent children
Without realizing there are other sources of destruction
I'll get through these things on my own whim
And become my own source of affection.

090814

I'm sitting in the United Club for fancy rich people.
Or I guess folks who fly for business.
And maybe I'm the dumb lil broad who's daddy used his miles to give her a nice flight.
Anyway,
Well, I have quite a few thoughts through my head.
Okay, first, I must say that I kind of binged the past two days.
I think that it was the awareness of free food coming to an end once again as this California vacation ends.
And I have the plan to starve away my days and do yoga every 24 hours.
I'm going to hide in my apartment for a few days.
Smoke my weed that I'm sneaking across the country.
Drink chilled white wine that I buy from the daily wine tasting in my liquor store downstairs.
And it's good for me to buy alcohol because I'm on the rewards system!
Every purchase leads to more free money towards booze.
I'm going to get stoned and drunk alone and run around my apartment in my underwear painting paintings and dancing dances and singing songs.
And developing my colour film and scanning it.
Okay, and you know what.
Bryce has been on my mind a lot.
I think that it's because I spent a lot of time with his family.
And he sent me this message at 2 am about how he put my bracelets up in important places in his room that he sees when he wakes up.
And it's to remind him of me and my spirit.
Which is so interesting.
I feel like I may have impacted this guy.
It's been almost two years since we were sleeping together.
But we still think about each other and are caring towards one another.
I don't know, sometimes I feel like we're unfinished.
And I'm never sure about the present, but neither of us have really been sleeping with anyone, and we're usually on the same page with what we want when it comes to sex and relationships.
I don't fucking know.
But it's good to have someone to think about.
And I don't feel bad thinking about him.

I'm so fat right now, it makes me sad.
I can fix that, though.
It hasn't made me as depressed and anti social as usual.
Guys in Sacramento still think I'm hot HAHAHAHHA

Okay, so I've been dreaming that I fall in love with someone every night.
And, wow, it's such a strong thing to feel inside of myself.
I know it's coming.
The Law of Attraction, dude.
Okay, so.
There was this one dream a while ago that is haunting me.
I was in love with my teacher, and it was like.
I just knew we were meant to be, and I was bold about it.
He was hesitant because I was young and his student.
But I couldn't control myself.
I told him that we're in love with each other, and it's okay.
I can't forget how I felt when I looked in his eyes as cheezy as that sounds.
And I can't forget that warmtone velvet feeling.

Of having a heart.

I have been hesitant to do a tarot reading, but I went on and did so.
It said that I am to fall in love soon, but it's been saying that for a year.
But it told me that it's going to be an older man.
And I thought of my dream.
I think it will be a teacher at SVA.

Also, Chris and Michael Berry did something to Sasha when he was little he doesn't want to talk about it, but I am pretty sure I know what it is because basically all the children in that neighbourhood did the same to me it was so fucked up.
Everywhere we've lived has supposedly been a safe neighbourhood, but all the kids are fucked up and fucking you up.

I have to see Chaz tomorrow because he's leaving as much as I am ashamed of my body right now.
We're in love.
But we'll probably never fall in love.

7.8.14

270512

Grinding slut
Self corrupt-
Ed philosophies. 

I'm going to do to you 
As you did to me. 

Little mutt 
Shutting up 
The societies

They'll never forget 
what you did to me

Waking up in a mess
Of everything you confessed
It's deep inside of me. 

I forgot. 
About all of our history. 

A sour tongue. 
Knows what I've done. 
It tells the tale. 
Of the eaten sun. 
We'll never laugh. 
At this photograph. 
But still pretend. 
We were good at that. 

040413

So I'm bloated off beer. 
And I'm not playing well. 
I'm slipping on these chords. 
And my voice doesn't have the normal control it does. 
Because she's filming me. 
That's okay. 
I've got quite the million things in my mind. 
And you know what, I would like to ignore all of them. 
All of them. 
And you know what I do. 
I smoke spliffs. 
And bloating off these beers. 
I can feel this little anxiety in me. 
I am wondering if I'll start having panic attacks again. 
I don't think they'll be like before. 
Nothing like that, right? 
I remember my anxiety attacks back when I was addicted to coke. 
I didn't understand them. 
I didn't know what they were. 
So as I had the panic attack, I searched my mind for the reason.
And I would think about all the things I could that may be the reason I feel so. 
I may start to, though. 
Every day is causing for one.
Every day is a bigger mess.
I'm trying to surround myself with the positive. 
I'm doing well with that. 
I need to make my art.
Go on adventures. 
I need friends who adventure. 
There are a few who may. 
I'm also gaining anxiety due to my problem. 
I feel like I'm trying so hard for control. 
But my body is getting used to it. 

310313

I'm a sweet sight
But a soul's fright.
I'll soothe your senses.
Throughout the night.

I'm a hard story to hear.
Words that slither clear.
It hurts to know I'm cold.
As I breathe into your ear.

A painful love, to divulge in me.
To crave one who craves surreality.
I may be wholehearted with you.
But I give up no vulnerability.

Addicted to the glisten.
That you watch as you listen.
I may swim atop the current.
But it's to hell that I'm mishing.