30.9.14

I shouldn't be going to this bar. 
But I'm mad at myself. 
Okay, I went to yoga.
I was laying there for the fifteen minutes before class started.
Just thinking and thinking about coughing up blood.
But also remembering that I was bed ridden for a month and almost died when I was 18 from bulimia.
So I'm okay.
I just keep saying in my head over and over again today.
Coughing up blood coughing up blood.
My throat is bleeding.
I can feel the wounded lump.
It makes me.
Want to vomit out of disgust.
BUT THAT'S WHY IT'S THERE IN THA FIRST PLACE.


I also keep thinking what if what if people knew.
Today was also the first day that I masturbated at Sva.
I was going so crazy just staring at computer screens working for my video class, and all I could think about sex.
I wanted to just grab the Russian boy next to me and shove him somewhere to service me, but I knew that I didn't really want to sleep with him I just wanted sex, so I made myself scream during break quick enough to have a cigarette after.
Oh my fucking god what have I done to myself.
This is the fourth time in two weeks that I've made myself vomit.
And I didn't know where it was coming from the past few times.
But just now, I've realized the blood is coming from my throat.
I washed my hands, washed my face, blew my nose, and cleared my throat only to cough up blood into the sink.
I don't think that this has happened before these past four times.
I really can't do this anymore it's going too far.
My hair is getting thin and brittle.
And I'm always so nervous.
Everything in life is so perfect, but since this has been happening, I've had no energy and am starting to slip as slowly as it may be.
Tomorrow is the day that I start living healthfully again jesus christ.

26.9.14

Maybe it's that I take melatonin when I can.
But when I don't, I stay up until 5 am. 
When I do, I wake up at 7 am. 

I had a dream that Bryan and I had sex we weren't together,  but it was so loving and caring. 
But in reality, I would never. 
And in reality, the sex was two seconds long and from behind, so..

 Yeah, I got really bulimic I threw up three times this week it was so fucked up and such a sloppy thing to do I ate, threw up, ate, and threw up. 
I am so disappointed. 
What if people knew I did that. 
How shameful. 

I'm making so many friends at sva. 
People are very interested in me. 
They keep asking to take my photo. 

I'm so embarrassed to say that I want to be with a boy ugh. 
I've slept with four people in two years. 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

I'm so I don't know I'm so extreme
I slept with 60 people before I was 18
Now I'm at 65
I slept with more people before I was 18 than I will probably for the rest of my life. 
Ah, whatever, it's all okay. 

But I would like to just fall in love or something so that I can just have sex all the time again. 

25.9.14

I'm throwing up so much it's ruining everything.

21.9.14

I threw up twice this week.
Mika likes me.
I looked into his eyes when he told me.

15.9.14

Hehe didn't eat today.

11.9.14

Fuck ,I had a dream that he called me and told me that he loved me.
Also, I didn't let myself drink wine last night because I ate chocolate and coconut nibs.
My body has shrunken so quickly.
I feel really.
Really good about that.
Life is working out.
And I thank myself for that.

10.9.14

I'm going to mstrsnate,
drink some wine,
dance,
Draw.
Both my fridge and my freezer are full for $46 grocery shopping in Manhattan.

9.9.14

My chest used to be dried up past the point of the shriveled butt hole apricots that you find in the grocery store I like the ones that I had in Russia the best, and so I can't buy the ones here anymore.
I'm too scared to get the wrong ones, and I wont eat them.
They just it there and rot.
But who cares, I should just spend three dollars to find out if I really want to find the right ones.
But my chest was made out of power like dust.
Like ashes of a cigarette.
Like the carcass of once living tobacco plants that were soaked up and dried with chemicals so that ya keep wantin' them I want them I always got them like when I'm leaning against the wall thinking about she told me you were going to that bar to see a girl I was wondering it mustn't be me it must have been another girl.
I ran away from my cab because I was so drunk that he couldn't understand my accent, and I thought if I swallowed the toxic world whole, I could get myself to kiss you.
I'm made out of butter now with this saturated pair of breasts I carry over dense skin holding this new Voodoo aspect I think I call a soul.
And I was apprehensive and guilty because I slept with a boy that you know on the roof the night before, and my whole entire body looks like I was abused.
But I walked home smiling like damn I finally did the deed it was done unto me I deserve that, and I won't ever take that back.
But it's the fact that I don't care I never care about the minimal boys who I entangle myself in I'm invincible did you hear that I AM INVINCIBLE.
But I'm made out of butter I'll repeat that until I stutter and words turns into only something that I slip on because I hate the way I keep feeling I'm in class what is the teacher even saying am I going to make out with that boy again is he mad like all the others because I said I can't go home with you, I'm not sorry.

I can't sleep because I won't eat, so I lay myself in the bath tub with as many candles as I need to remind myself to breathe, and I listen to this one creepy song that's nine minutes long on repeat because she keeps screaming I don't belong here, and I keep thinking about how I'm so confused that my life ended up living on the east side of Manhattan when I used to go to the river and drink all the Natty Ice that the homeless men would give me to mix with the weed and cocaine I used to be in a relationship with running away from thirty year olds telling me they'll give me the opium that they grow in their backyards if I run around naked while the others tell me they're sorry that everyone wants her because I'm the fat one, don't worry, I'm still pretty.
Help me forget so that I can believe that I can walk in East Village like I belong and like I'm going to be a rich photographer like I should be.
I'm too much and too loud as I overtake people in the night listen to me please listen to everything I say because I wasn't allowed to talk for so long I'm just happy that I'm allowed to live my life outside of walls now I'm freaking out I'll never calm down I'm alive I'm alive I'm sorry I'm embarrassed.

7.9.14

He thought I was a lesbian until I kissed him.

6.9.14

I had sex with Eli.
I was going to write something so lengthy about it.
But I have succumbed to my tire.
I've had to put Neosporin on every part of my body that bends and has had the chance to grind against the floor.
I did thank myself in my mind during the fact for going to yoga every day.
My stamina in the use of my muscles especially the core.
And my flexibility.
He had a hard time getting it up due to muscle relaxers.
Which made me feel like.
Why was he on those drugs, anyway.
I guess it doesn't matter, people can do what they want.
We talked a lot.
And I had felt as if he was interested in me before, but he had a girlfriend.
We were on the rooftop, and our faces came closer.
I put my hand underneath his chin and brought his face towards mine letting our lips collide for at least one moment before I asked what about your girlfriend.
We broke up, he said.
And we continued teetering between falling onto the other part of the roof and falling onto the street, our guts splayed out with our caressing bodies.
We'd die in sin.
Okay, but we fell onto the other part of the roof, it was funny.
I'm so surprised that we had sex.
It was nice.
He was touching me in between my legs,
And I just.
Didn't feel like faking.
So I guided his hands.
And said do you feel that.
He found my clit, and it.
Was.
So gnarly.

He eventually came to the point where we could have sex.
I was surprised.
I wonder how he got up.
I think that he faked cumming.
Because he was on those pills.
And also,
Well there was no cum in me hahah DUh.
But I appreciated that because I really worked hard past the point where I was invested.

But I am thinking about it now.
He faked an orgasm.
If only he knew that women do that like almost every time ahahhahhha


Oh, it was nice.
I think that he's a super cool dude.
And suuuuuuupeeeeer hoooootttt.
But that's about as far as that will go.
It was a nice in the moment thing to happen.
I had sex on a roof in Manhattan, I kind of like that!


He said so do you want to have sex.
I said yes, but okay, so we'll have sex, and then everything will carry on no big deal nothing matters.
And He agreed.

Rad.
Chill.
Had sex.
Stoked.

5.9.14

I wish I kept up with this more.
It's been very helpful with understanding myself throughout the years.

Well, living alone is great I eat much less my body is becoming beautiful.
I'm a little bit sad at the loss of my bum.
It's still my pride, but it just isn't so gelatinous.

I want a boyfriend, I want one.
I want one.
But I'm an odd girl.
I think that I'm a lot to handle.
I'm very overbearing.
I talk a lot.
I talk more than anyone I know.
I'm uncontrollable.
I can not stop speaking.
I think it's due to my energy.
I don't know if I've written it on here,
But in May, I've realized that I certainly do have ADHD.
And with tequila as my drink of choice,
I think I may be a bit insane.
But it feels good.
And I may be overwhelming,
but people know that I'm a good person.
So I can tell that sometimes, they bear my energy.

It's a bit sad that when I'm thin, boys will listen to me speak longer.
I understand.
If you're attracted to something,
You'll put more effort into it.
I don't know.
I only really see these boys at parties.
But A lot of them write.
And I kind of want to read their work.
And share mine.
I've been really enjoying writing.
I think because I used to be ashamed of it over the years.
Because it's very personal and vulnerable.
But I like it.
I like the way I speak when I write things some times.

I'm living in East Village in Manhattan.
My apartment costs $2,600 a month.
And it gives me anxiety like I'm a piece of shot spoiled girl who is succumbed to her depression.
I need to take advantage of what most people aren't given.
I need to make something of myself.
I need to become something big.
i need to make amazing art and a lot of money for it.
I need to network.
I need to become something big.
I need to become something big.

I dream of kissing a boy in such a sweet manner.
I don't think that any man in New York City knows the depths of who I am.
So I feel if anyone were to kiss me, they won't know who they're kissing.
They don't have to know everything.
But they do have to get a sense of me.

I started school and so far do not have a teacher who I'm going to fall in love with.
It sounds silly.
But I was looking forward to that.

I ought to shower and leave this house with my camera.
Hopefully, I stumble upon a dead animal on my way to the subway.