Four days no food 
I look better
But I don't feel like I've been ana


I haven't eaten for three days 
I tried to masturbate in the bar bathroom, but the graffiti and smell of piss/ orange concentrate threw me off, and I didn't feel comfortable touching my clit in such a place. 
I can't sleep when I don't eat I've been awake since 7 am I can't stop moving my body I'm still drunk sometimes I feel like I'm moving like I'm about to start convulsing. 
I haven't eaten for two days straight. 
I got knuckle tats. 
Happy Birthday, Naukie. 


I ate all day I gave myself too many excuses.
And now he's texting asking if he should come over with weed.
My wrist is sore from touching myself I've had so many orgasms today.


I didn't eat yesterday except for a meal at 4 am haw haw
and I had one meal today
Raw tuna and two summer rolls

There's something
Empty in me
I feel 
No passion

Well, I'm also sick, so maybe that's why I'm depleted.
I'm mostly bummed that I can't drink or smoke cigarettes.
Or run around on adventures.
I'm going to be happy on my birthday.
That's all I want.


I didn't eat today. 
Also, I can't do coke again for a while. 

My first dream that night, I fell into a seizure, and I think I started seizing in my sleep I woke up to myself making these fearful little squeals I woke him up because I was gasping. 
I won't say it anywhere but here, but I have a crush on that man my mind has succumbed. 


I can't sleep I can't sleep
I could at least half sleep when I was on cocaine 
But maybe it's also because I had the best sex of my life
And there was this beautiful brown body in my bed that felt like velvet on my fingertips as if a lullaby had turned to touch. 
I can't sleep I just keep thinking about this bed he's the first man who came home with me in this apartment 
And he said all of these things 
We were laying in my bed, and he said. 
"You know I'm not special."
And I don't know why he said that. 
Maybe so that we could keep this emotionless which it should be. 
But then I told him that was horrible, and that I think I'm special. 
And he told me that I was he could already tell. 
But then he put his hand in between my thighs, 
And we moved like we were meant to move with each other
He kept talking about how amazing my v is 
Which was the first time a boy or a man has ever said that
And it was kind of important to hear because the man I loved hated them. 
This man was so enthusiastic he was smiling and so vocal and we laughed together ugha 
He even gave me head after he finished
Which wasn't inside me 
And we held each other until 4pm which is probably why I can't sleep
We woke up and had sex again but I already need sex again
I kind of wanted to have sex with him three times before he left what the hell is this
I fell in love with his body it's interesting because every man I've slept with in the past two years, I haven't wanted to touch them I've only wanted to get head, sex, and to be touched by them. 
But we were having sex, and my hands were everywhere I wanted to know what every part felt like
And his booty is licious 

I feel really dumb writing about this 
He took photos of himself on my phone and computer, and I look at them, but ugh I have to have sex with him

We went out to get food after
I took him to Mud which reminds me of California
And we talked the whole time
Liza came and hung out with us because she wanted to shoot a vid of me
And they got along really well he's really good at socializing 
And Liza ended up liking him everyone was kind of put off when I brought him to Helena's party because I didn't tell anyone I was, well I didn't know I was. 
Isa brought him over, and we were going to go to a party together. 
But Isa decided to go to some fuck girl. 
And this man decided to come with me, instead. 
But everyone was mad because I was doing coke with him
And it was hard to get coke because everyone was telling everyone not to give it to me, but I was relentless. 

I'll mention now I'm fine I'm not addicted again. 

I took him home in a cab where we smoked cigarettes, and he had his head in my lap. 

We hugged goodbye, and he kissed my face in a way like we already knew each other. 
He went and said bye to Liza and came hugging and face kissing again
But then he put his face close to mine, so I put my lips onto his, and I wished he wasn't leaving I just wanted to have sex. 
I told him he should sleep over again. 
And he said "I would really like that."

And now I can't sleep. 


Mas-    tur-    bate   Un-    til       I       Die. 
I did okay with my gluttony tonight.
I've been making a lot of art the past three days.
It has returned self pride.

Mat filmed me slamming my bum cheeks together in slow motion, multiple gin and sodas sliding down my spine.

Beep Beep Boop
I'll hopefully feel as good as I do inside on the out soonz.
Stop eating
Stop texting Bryce when you're drunk. 


It has returned, this unwelcomed consistent state I find myself in my dreams as I lay in the claud bed swollen with a recently demanding heart I'm in love when I sleep I'm in love in my sleep, so I wake up with these aching muscles, and I don't know why, maybe it's because I'm running in place throughout the night, but I drag these desires on the streets to the things I must complete throughout the day reduced to a ghostly state where I am neither present nor unconscious I knew regaining this warmth in my chest would bring me uncomfortable desperation, but at least I feel something.