18.12.14

She too weak to open her mouth like it's filled with black clouds 
don't listen if I ain't shoutin' 
ain't got long enough legs for the vulnerable mountain 

It's really a shame that I keep reflecting on my childhood in the puddles that soak the feet of New York streets 
everyone gets mad at me 
I'm sorry that I made a mess with my emotions 
I didn't even know that they existed 
I keep on missin' 
moments 
that never even happened, 
but when I hear her singin',
it's like there's a soul to be grabbin' 

Once again, 
I'm running across the country to baby days, 
and I know that I'm about to be forgotten like every single time 
it's how I can decipher what's family 
and what's only one glass of wine 
I'm 

Also sorry that I've grown a monotone expression and reaction to everything that you do 
it's that fall was a bad time two years ago 
I swallowed every panic attack, 
and I think the ghosts of the unsurfaced are still trying to climb out of my throat

I'm going back, 
and he's expecting to be in a dream with me, 
but I don't think I could ever say 
hey 
the head was really good, and we were best friends, 
but the sex wasn't as good for me as it was for you, 
and I'm not in love I never was 
I feel nothing you should have known that you're not an exception, 
But can I still mention 
That maybe he is even though it makes me want to release this bile vomit that keeps bubbling and bubbling every time I ask myself what is happening with that velvet skin that returns every now and again 

I wouldn't want an answer if there wasn't an airplane with my name on it 
I wouldn't ask for my things back yet 

But at least I'll have my favorite scarf when I'm living back into the voodoo days that hold the first Claud Haus ever born, 
and I'm in the arms of people who pointed their fingers in between my two eyes and told me that's where your heart is can you feel it 

I am no longer those car crashes or his fists on my face arms around my neck 
I am no longer his addictions that ruined our family for a time or the email saying sorry you almost died, but you're fired because you sent us the message in the wrong location,
and I am not related to the face that the only man I've loved withheld sex from me 
I am not the reason why you told me I was the bad once for forced sexual experiences 
Or the reason why I felt impure since six years old 
or my bedroom where I would wake up and sniff up my cocaine for breakfast or the same streets where I sat next to old men in cars driving me home just because my thumb was out, and all I did was disappoint their erect fleshy piece of shit excuse for penetrating pleasures 
I am none of this shit because I measure
up to human being endeavors
based on delicate tendencies 
I only say I love you if you lovin' me 

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