Oh everything changes I feel as if the phases overturn more quickly these past years especially this one I wonder if that really is the case or that I am just more aware now. Eloy still comes back. He's in love with this girl, Mercedes It seems that she really cares for him, too Because she mad dogged me last year when he and I were in the thick of sharing sheets He introduced her as a friend I forget how he introduced me And I saw her recently after I slept with him again this year It was the same, and E acted odd towards me I had to grab his shoulder to say hello He acted similar the time I met her last year I think that he comes back when she won't take him He messages me on Fb which I think is maybe him being eggy And he says "Can I see you" And I feel like he could just text and say hey wanna hang Instead of making it sound like Like I'm the other woman We were hanging out as friends He slept over, and we had different blankets, and he didn't try I liked that since I had been raped recently before that But I like sleeping next to each other It's an old comfort. The second time, I cried a lot about the rape it had finally hit me And we had sex Upon his instigation And that's when I saw him two days later with M I think that if he loves her, and she cares, they should be happy I don't want to do things with him if this beautiful woman is going to be negatively affected And I am, as well, because he now acts differently towards me once again Unresponsive and the lack of communication We spoke about how it's really great that we're friends, and we are both happy. He was in my life in a different way that he had been Attentive as a friend But his retreat back to old interactions has left me viewing him as weak and lost In a way that I don't That maybe I judge I think it's fueled by resentment
My body is depressed it has seeped into my mind The sun don't shine in my room; I don't wake I am gluttonous, and it leaves me with a physical mass that is heavy to carry Sluggish I am attempting to resolve this
I got tested and went to the gyno everything is fine But my smell is off It's not bad It's just not mine And I had a yeast infection from slug man I took care of that But maybe it's minimally there?
I'm taking probiotics to even out my body
I'm working on the haus to change myself
I'm sleeping with this rapper, Garrison Black He is beautiful, he likes me a lot I like my power in that I don't make it easy I don't try to I naturally do so Our brainwaves don't collide in the way that I imagine myself to reciprocate any emotions Maybe tho I think that he isn't passive enough like other men to let me easily hurt him The birth chart between us says that we'll be strong in sexuality, but there will be violence I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want them to be wary Or to pre assume such Or to dislike him It's just horoscope I just didn't like reading that
I haven't worked on my art in a moment I am aware of that I am aware that I don't like that
I take adderall or vyvanse almost every day I like it so what I don't think I'm addicted?
There's a difference between the lifestyle of things and the need for them I do notice a difference in my personality and energy but I like it so what
I starved for two months from it Was the first time that I did it on accident Without an attempt to uphold And without the happiness from it Looking in the mirror, I saw my body sad I didn't like being "thin" Thin for my body is different It looks normal, but my bones are very protruding And my face gets very sunken in I think that my structure enhances these things
Since I have decided to move to Berlin, I am no longer in love with New York If I didn't have this amazing apartment with N00gah, I would most likely feel caged
I am caging myself, though Stuck in Claud Haus It always does this
I have been writing so much poetry I think it's all so good I am working on a few freestyles I am working on an oil painting And a charcoal drawing of my favourite corpse
I'm trying to get a nanny job
Life is so different I drive myself crazy sometimes looking for troubles And the change from summer to fall and now fall to winter Brings contemplation and always this darkness over The bad
It doesn't help that I'm
Not mundane But so calm I don't drink much at all It's the adderall
My family is a little overwhelming as my brother is making mistakes, lying a lot, and I talked my parents into letting him move to La, but none of them communicate well, so I have to listen and calm everyone down and turn that around to communicating to each other for each other, but it feels good to help my family, and I've studied each person and the dynamics to at least a small point where I can understand what is going on and then in turn solve it.
I was with Caitie [you met her in Berlin, I think], she was visiting New York and staying with me. We went out one night and ended up at her friend's house this dude she's known for years. I was so unnatracted to him and didn't like his personality, but at his house, I changed my mind and slept with him. I did two small bumps of coke and remembered thinking that it felt different than any coke I did in Ny it didn't just wake me up but made me happy and talkative and relaxed.
A few days later, Caitie went out with him again and came back so fucked up but in a different way than alcohol, and she kept changing mood drastically. Awake, but coming in and out of awareness. She had to fly to California that night like an hour and a half after getting to my house. She called me the next day and told me that she got blood tested because she was so fucked up on her flight, and she had an insane amount of ghb in her system, and she said that we were drugged the night that I was there and slept with him because she has done ghb before as a party drug, and it felt exactly the same. I looked it up and read a few websites that described exactly how I felt, I knew something was wrong early into having sex with him. And when I was walking home which was close, and it was like I was on psychedelics in the way that everything was slow motion, and people were so specific I saw so many details about every person in those "quick" moments. I felt dumb for a while because I've never been betrayed by my mind like that. I've been drugged before, but I was kind of in an abstinent phase, so I knew 100% the truth of what I wanted and had control, but this was a different drug, and I do sleep and hook up with people now, so I think that I can't automatically trust myself and have to question myself before I make decisions like that.
So I got really depressed and was really taken by the realization that this kind of comes with being a woman. I thought it would be over once I lived a healthier life, but no, dude, we're never fully safe.We got to make sure we're aware and check in with ourselves often about situations with men.I once again felt like my body was stained and over degraded. I was also really deep into painting and was taking adderall to paint for hours, so I wasn't getting much sleep or food, so I lost weight in the wrong way, and my butt got so small!!! So I felt insecure about my body it was the first time I had starved without purposefully doing it, and since I quite for good, I really hated it and felt embarrassed. I didn't feel attractive, and I felt like I was doing something bad to myself. It was frustrating because painting was so good for my soul and mind, but I had this physical mass that had to be taken care of and was a hassle.
And with the instance from that man, I in turn didn't want a body anymore it seemed like such trouble it brought unwanted attention and needed maintenance that I didn't feel the inclination to attend to. I wanted to be a floating entity, but I was exhausted and dilapidated all my thoughts were negative, so I wanted a break just to float and be but have no thoughts nor communication. Just exist in black blank nothing like meditation. Wait, I should meditate...
For a while, I thought that I was just inevitably going to endure this disrespect chronically throughout life like I was created for it.
The night that was the worst, I cried all over the streets in front of the bars that I was spending time in, and my old lover whom I was heart broken over last year ended up coming over when I ended up home with my friends, and we stayed up all night doing amazing coke and speaking about philosophy, and I talked a lot about how I was feeling and what happened. We slept in the same bed, and we had done that before recently, but with separate blankets, and he had not tried anything at all it made me feel very respected. But this time, we collided, and it was only out of friendship this time, but it was really nice to have someone be kind to my body it was so nice it cleansed the stain.
I let myself die, and then I walked by this homeless man sitting on the sidewalk, he pointed to me and said,
"Just look at this!
This is what’s wrong!
I hate her!
That devil shit!”
And it made me laugh because I was saying horrible things to myself, too, so it was like "hey man, I was just saying that how coincidental!" And I smiled for real, and it was the first time I felt positive and like I loved myself since I became sad. And after that, I reminded myself that i have survived everything that has happened to me, and I have endured many worse moments. I was being challenged by life and reacted with weakness, so by becoming aware of that, I fought all negativity with strength. ANd I have been over it and unaffected since.
Not taking adderall nearly as often mostly avoid it, have been eating, working out, and sleeping, and taking care of myself to battle back, and so I'm alive and back on this planet I'm chillin dude I'm strong woman.
I was going to take an aderall, but I ended up having a reaction I'm just pacing And talking to myself You know Am I really going to take this drug Like Relying on something In order just to function more efficiently I feel like It's mind control But that could be just me controlling my own mind Which I'm into But I'm doing that With the help of something outside of myself. I've been against prescriptions for so long But I kind of think that I'm against prescriptions as a consistent use With the intention to change their whole chemistry I could use this based on my own terms It's like getting stoned to chill out Or drinking to exude more energy I just don't want to become dependant I don't want to gain a new vice Just as I leave one Because of course that always happens
I called Mereith to talk to her about it Because I know of all people she would tell me that it's okay Because she does ithe same
And I sat there thinking about who to call to talk to about this And I just I just want to talk to myself about it Make decisions without any influence But also, though it is influencial, they might be able to give advice from outside knowledge that
I have spent a lot of my time in California trying to re-gain the connection between my mind and my body
I realized that I stopped communicating with myself
I feel like when I am anorexic, I am constantly shutting out certain thoughts And only allowing certain thoughts In order to continue this Destructive control I feel like I reacted to having emotions for a man In a very immature manner I am really disappointed in myself I tried to take everything so well And I was but my eating disorder kind of I don't know It made me shaky Shaky in my bones And thoughts And words
I've been stuck reminiscing on memories I feel like the fall always does that And I think I've sat in them long enough I may now move forward I once again have to focus on respecting myself And finding self worth outside of just my body
Because my body is shit
I was smoking a pack a day
I guess instead of meals
So now I've been averaging like 6 a day
I think that's much better
I just want to go back to New York
and stop feeling like a baby in California
I feel like a damn child here
everything is so sweet
and I can just lump around
you simply plateau here
because you can
I think I'm one of those people who gets a little affected at the lack of personal routine But i would also consider myself to be a very good traveler Limping on my broken toe
Ya gotsa keep goin'.
I keep thinking about
And how it's been a big part of my life from the people that loved me like family. What if I am used to that kind of painful passion What if I meet someone sweet Which is my desire at the moment But what if I become the bully now I kind of saw that in myself when I was being mean to Eloy
It felt really good to stomp on him
Because I guess I've never been able to make someone feel bad before And I've never taken the oppourtunity I think that's pretty fucked up To use someone's kindness for my own power And leaving them in pain I really fucked that up So I guess my experience with him is a lesson that I will soak in It's unfortunate. But what I guess that's it.
Am I even ready to be in a relationship? Is that what I even want? Am I pressuring myself?
I don't know, I have this longing inside of me It's physical There's my mind that wishes to be some kind of de humanized creature I want to just live in my passion
and float smiling throughout all the beautiful things there are to experience in this world I want to love and let go And be loved And I want every touch of skin to be made of velvet But it's not like that My skin bleeds, and velvet can be made out of shards of glass I might swallow the spit that we mix together But that shit the vinegar that makes my throat raw And my mind numb in this blinder manner where everything I've ever taught myself is something that I forgot Literally I was INVISIBLE a moment ago.
Boys turned me down, And I laughed And danced And slept well every night
I felt strong in my vulnerability. But I think that I've retracted a little bit however not too far back where I can't make it back easily.
I'm uncomfortable around my dad now There's some kind of anger that I have for him But I don't understand it yet.