18.12.15

It turns out that my brother has been on heroin this whole time 
I think that he's going to kill himself 
I always felt like he would 

23.11.15

Oh everything changes
I feel as if the phases overturn more quickly these past years especially this one
I wonder if that really is the case or that I am just more aware now.
Eloy still comes back.
He's in love with this girl, Mercedes
It seems that she really cares for him, too
Because she mad dogged me last year when he and I were in the thick of sharing sheets
He introduced her as a friend
I forget how he introduced me
And I saw her recently after I slept with him again this year
It was the same, and E acted odd towards me
I had to grab his shoulder to say hello
He acted similar the time I met her last year
I think that he comes back when she won't take him
He messages me on Fb which I think is maybe him being eggy
And he says "Can I see you"
And I feel like he could just text and say hey wanna hang
Instead of making it sound like
Like I'm the other woman
We were hanging out as friends
He slept over, and we had different blankets, and he didn't try
I liked that since I had been raped recently before that
But I like sleeping next to each other
It's an old comfort.
The second time, I cried a lot about the rape it had finally hit me
And we had sex
Upon his instigation
And that's when I saw him two days later with M
I think that if he loves her, and she cares, they should be happy
I don't want to do things with him if this beautiful woman is going to be negatively affected
And I am, as well, because he now acts differently towards me once again
Unresponsive and the lack of communication
We spoke about how it's really great that we're friends, and we are both happy.
He was in my life in a different way that he had been
Attentive as a friend
But his retreat back to old interactions has left me viewing him as weak and lost
In a way that I don't
That maybe I judge
I think it's fueled by resentment

My body is depressed it has seeped into my mind
The sun don't shine in my room; I don't wake
I am gluttonous, and it leaves me with a physical mass that is heavy to carry
Sluggish
I am attempting to resolve this

I got tested and went to the gyno everything is fine
But my smell is off
It's not bad
It's just not mine
And I had a yeast infection from slug man
I took care of that
But maybe it's minimally there?
I'm taking probiotics to even out my body

I'm working on the haus to change myself

I'm sleeping with this rapper, Garrison Black
He is beautiful, he likes me a lot
I like my power in that
I don't make it easy
I don't try to
I naturally do so
Our brainwaves don't collide in the way that I imagine myself to reciprocate any emotions
Maybe tho
I think that he isn't passive enough like other men to let me easily hurt him
The birth chart between us says that we'll be strong in sexuality, but there will be violence
I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want them to be wary
Or to pre assume such
Or to dislike him
It's just horoscope
I just didn't like reading that

I haven't worked on my art in a moment
I am aware of that
I am aware that I don't like that

I take adderall or vyvanse almost every day
I like it so what
I don't think I'm addicted?
There's a difference between the lifestyle of things and the need for them
I do notice a difference in my personality and energy
but I like it so what

I starved for two months from it
Was the first time that I did it on accident
Without an attempt to uphold
And without the happiness from it
Looking in the mirror, I saw my body sad
I didn't like being "thin"
Thin for my body is different
It looks normal, but my bones are very protruding
And my face gets very sunken in
I think that my structure enhances these things

Since I have decided to move to Berlin,
I am no longer in love with New York
If I didn't have this amazing apartment with N00gah,
I would most likely feel caged

I am caging myself, though
Stuck in Claud Haus
It always does this

I have been writing so much poetry I think it's all so good
I am working on a few freestyles
I am working on an oil painting
And a charcoal drawing of my favourite corpse

I'm trying to get a nanny job

Life is so different
I drive myself crazy sometimes looking for troubles
And the change from summer to fall and now fall to winter
Brings contemplation and always this darkness over
The bad

It doesn't help that I'm
Not mundane
But so calm
I don't drink much at all
It's the adderall 

25.10.15

My family is a little overwhelming as my brother is making mistakes, lying a lot, and I talked my parents into letting him move to La, but none of them communicate well, so I have to listen and calm everyone down and turn that around to communicating to each other for each other, but it feels good to help my family, and I've studied each person and the dynamics to at least a small point where I can understand what is going on and then in turn solve it.
I was with Caitie [you met her in Berlin, I think], she was visiting New York and staying with me. We went out one night and ended up at her friend's house this dude she's known for years. I was so unnatracted to him and didn't like his personality, but at his house, I changed my mind and slept with him. I did two small bumps of coke and remembered thinking that it felt different than any coke I did in Ny it didn't just wake me up but made me happy and talkative and relaxed.
A few days later, Caitie went out with him again and came back so fucked up but in a different way than alcohol, and she kept changing mood drastically. Awake, but coming in and out of awareness. She had to fly to California that night like an hour and a half after getting to my house. She called me the next day and told me that she got blood tested because she was so fucked up on her flight, and she had an insane amount of ghb in her system, and she said that we were drugged the night that I was there and slept with him because she has done ghb before as a party drug, and it felt exactly the same. I looked it up and read a few websites that described exactly how I felt, I knew something was wrong early into having sex with him. And when I was walking home which was close, and it was like I was on psychedelics in the way that everything was slow motion, and people were so specific I saw so many details about every person in those "quick" moments. I felt dumb for a while because I've never been betrayed by my mind like that. I've been drugged before, but I was kind of in an abstinent phase, so I knew 100% the truth of what I wanted and had control, but this was a different drug, and I do sleep and hook up with people now, so I think that I can't automatically trust myself and have to question myself before I make decisions like that.
So I got really depressed and was really taken by the realization that this kind of comes with being a woman. I thought it would be over once I lived a healthier life, but no, dude, we're never fully safe.We got to make sure we're aware and check in with ourselves often about situations with men.I once again felt like my body was stained and over degraded. I was also really deep into painting and was taking adderall to paint for hours, so I wasn't getting much sleep or food, so I lost weight in the wrong way, and my butt got so small!!! So I felt insecure about my body it was the first time I had starved without purposefully doing it, and since I quite for good, I really hated it and felt embarrassed. I didn't feel attractive, and I felt like I was doing something bad to myself. It was frustrating because painting was so good for my soul and mind, but I had this physical mass that had to be taken care of and was a hassle.
And with the instance from that man, I in turn didn't want a body anymore it seemed like such trouble it brought unwanted attention and needed maintenance that I didn't feel the inclination to attend to. I wanted to be a floating entity, but I was exhausted and dilapidated all my thoughts were negative, so I wanted a break just to float and be but have no thoughts nor communication. Just exist in black blank nothing like meditation. Wait, I should meditate...
For a while, I thought that I was just inevitably going to endure this disrespect chronically throughout life like I was created for it. The night that was the worst, I cried all over the streets in front of the bars that I was spending time in, and my old lover whom I was heart broken over last year ended up coming over when I ended up home with my friends, and we stayed up all night doing amazing coke and speaking about philosophy, and I talked a lot about how I was feeling and what happened. We slept in the same bed, and we had done that before recently, but with separate blankets, and he had not tried anything at all it made me feel very respected. But this time, we collided, and it was only out of friendship this time, but it was really nice to have someone be kind to my body it was so nice it cleansed the stain.
I let myself die, and then I walked by this homeless man sitting on the sidewalk, he pointed to me and said, "Just look at this! This is what’s wrong! I hate her! That devil shit!”
And it made me laugh because I was saying horrible things to myself, too, so it was like "hey man, I was just saying that how coincidental!" And I smiled for real, and it was the first time I felt positive and like I loved myself since I became sad. And after that, I reminded myself that i have survived everything that has happened to me, and I have endured many worse moments. I was being challenged by life and reacted with weakness, so by becoming aware of that, I fought all negativity with strength. ANd I have been over it and unaffected since.
Not taking adderall nearly as often mostly avoid it, have been eating, working out, and sleeping, and taking care of myself to battle back, and so I'm alive and back on this planet I'm chillin dude I'm strong woman.

5.6.15

Hella black eye it's kind of morbid 

Also kind of don't want to hang out with anyone 
Other than Og Babetown 

2.6.15

We went to Elvis
And I forgot about everything 
But the bouncer called Liss and her friend out on the beer in their bags 
So we go to my house 

We walk there

My legs turned into those of spiders
Long and cracked at a right angle 
Like those of a newborn horse 
Bent and attempting the drag 
My face melts in this curdled emotion 
And I stare into the back of my skull 
And swallow 
And swallow 
And curdle 

We get home
And I find myself in the bathroom 
Punching my face
Over 
And over 


I hope that this habit isn't returning 

How is this addicting 


Why would I like anything from this 

My bruise has already swollen off of my skull 
So that it had it's own shadow


The color of my skin has changed 
Within the few hours 

I look punished 

I suppose I am. 
My face is a little swollen and bruised 
I'll know if I gave myself a black eye when I wake up tomorrow 
I want to rid myself of this
Velvet chest I own
I was more at peace when I was dead

And honestly,
I am kind of pissed at this dude
Because three months after I tell him I like him
He tells it to me back
And comes over
And fucks me
And I don't see him again for so long
And now he pops in and out of my life
While he's in love with someone else
Just to seemingly keep me
As a prospect
As a longing girl


I fell in love with his beauty
And the sex

I feel this violence inside of my limbs
I think it's simply anger for causing me pain
But I don't think he meant to do so
I think that this is just a reaction

I'm mad
I'm mad that
I'm a fool
I'm mad that
No one can ever love me for some reason

I am meant for men with fists
With dicks that pound me like I'm not a human
With hearts that only beam at mirrors

I am
Only thriving when I crawl in the gutter
The cracks in the walls filled with cocaine
The sewer liquid made of tequila toxic
The air thick with tobacco tears

I am 
A woman whom holds a life too morbid
I am
Uncomfortable for the public
I am
Meant for loneliness
Due to 
My death since childhood

I am embarrassed of myself
Of course
Of course
I am 
Here to wither

Of course
I am
Endlessly
Pining
And alone

My dreams have been warning me for so long
But I don't listen to them
Because I don't want to hear it

I need him to come
And kill me, himself.
So that I can understand
The reality
Of what is

The reality
That I am alone
And I am too much
Too much
To ever love


I need to
I need coke
and I need cigarettes
I want to drown myself
I want my eyes to dry
And roll into the back of my head
I want to smile evil

I just feel like god damnit
This isn't fair
I was such an empty corpse for so long
And I meet this man 
Right when I start to become warm
And being with him
Helped me to work on the strength of vulnerability
And I fell

And he didn't catch me

23.5.15

Chaz told me that he loves me
I stayed silent

Eloy came back
He is a confusing man to say the least

Lea is back

I haven't been alone
For so
Long

It's hard when everything is beautiful
But I need to take care of myself

11.5.15

I was eating feta cheese in a whole wheat wrap, and Liza was shocked that I was eating either of those 
She said she's used to me eating cucumbers 

10.5.15

My nudes constantly flowing through porn tumblrs.

I have nowhere to put my nudes anymore 
I love them
But I don't want anyone to see them 
I guess 

13.4.15

I have strep throat 
I will get stoned and touch myself 

7.4.15

Okay I should let my anxieties rest here 

2.4.15

Are we both simply afraid 
Or am I alone in foolery 

16.3.15

I have had people staying with me for two weeks 
At one point, there were six humans sleeping in this one bedroom apartment. 

I am now alone. 
With no future visitors in sight. 

I may disappear for a short while. 

20.2.15

I
Am 
Pretty
Sure
That 

My father molested me. 

13.2.15

Tryin ta kick anorexia 
But food is a fright 
I regret every intake 
I am 
Continuing 
To 
Swim
In
This
Vice 

9.2.15




27.1.15

I was going to take an aderall,
but I ended up having a reaction
I'm just pacing
And talking to myself
You know
Am I really going to take this drug
Like
Relying on something
In order just to function more efficiently
I feel like
It's
mind control
But that could be just me controlling my own mind
Which I'm into
But I'm doing that
With the help of something outside of myself.
I've been against prescriptions for so long
But I kind of think that I'm against prescriptions as a consistent use
With the intention to change their whole chemistry
I could use this based on my own terms
It's like getting stoned to chill out
Or drinking to exude more energy
I just don't want to become dependant
I don't want to gain a new vice
Just as I leave one
Because of course
that always happens

I called Mereith to talk to her about it
Because I know of all people
she would tell me that it's okay
Because she does ithe same

And I sat there thinking about who to call to talk to about this
And I just
I just want to talk to myself about it
Make decisions without any influence
But also,
though it is influencial,
they might be able to give advice from outside knowledge that

Okay whatever I took it

20.1.15

He took my fucking sunglasses

4.1.15

Liza brought up that I'd been roofied three times to Clio
And I said yep yep
But then I realized that no
It's been four times
Every time was fine
Except for the first one
And they asked how I knew I was roofied
And I explained to them that my whole body was made of vaseline
And my limbs couldn't move
And I couldn't open my eyes
or breathe
But I felt everything
And It hurt
And then
It kind of really really hit me what happened
And I sat in the back of the car
And a panic attack started to come
My eyes were wide open
with fear
and the dawning of full understanding
I think that what they did to me
Was so mean
It was 
So mean

I am
A
Good
Person.
I have  spent a lot of my time in California trying to re-gain the connection between my mind and my body
I realized that I stopped communicating with myself
I feel like when I am anorexic,
I am constantly shutting out certain thoughts
And only allowing certain thoughts
In order to continue this
Destructive control
I feel like I reacted to having emotions for a man
In a very immature manner
I am really disappointed in myself
I tried to take everything so well
And I was
but my eating disorder kind of
I don't know
It made me shaky
Shaky in my bones
And thoughts
And words

I've been stuck reminiscing on memories I feel like the fall always does that
And I think I've sat in them long enough I may now move forward
I once again have to focus on respecting myself
And finding self worth outside of just my body
Because my body is shit
ha
ha

...

ha

I was smoking a pack a day
I guess instead of meals
So now I've been averaging like 6 a day
I think that's much better

I just want to go back to New York
and stop feeling like a baby in California
I feel like a damn child here
like
everything is so sweet
and I can just lump around
you simply plateau here
because you can

I think I'm one of those people who gets a little affected at the lack of personal routine
But i would also consider myself to be a very good traveler
Limping on my broken toe
In heels
Because
Ya gotsa keep goin'.


I keep thinking about
violence
And how it's been a big part of my life from the people that loved me like family.
What if I am used to that kind of painful passion
What if I meet someone sweet
Which is my desire at the moment
But what if I become the bully now
I kind of saw that in myself when I was being mean to Eloy
It felt really good to stomp on him
Because I guess
I've never been able to make someone feel bad before
And I've never taken the oppourtunity
I think that's pretty fucked up
To use someone's kindness for my own power
And leaving them in pain
I really fucked that up
So I guess my experience with him is a lesson that I will soak in
It's unfortunate.
But what I guess that's it.

Am I even ready to be in a relationship?
Is that what I even want?
Am I pressuring myself?
I don't know, I have this longing inside of me
It's physical
There's my mind that wishes to be some kind of de humanized creature
I want to just
live in my passion
and float smiling throughout all the beautiful things there are to experience in this world
I want to love and let go
And be loved
And I want every touch of skin to be made  of velvet
But it's not like that
My skin bleeds, and velvet can be made out of shards of glass
I might swallow the spit that we mix together
But that shit the vinegar that makes my throat raw
And my mind numb in this blinder manner where everything I've ever taught myself is something that I forgot
Literally I was INVISIBLE a moment ago.
Boys turned me down,
And I laughed
And danced
And slept well every night

I felt strong in my vulnerability.
But I think that I've retracted a little bit however not too far back where I can't make it back easily.

I'm uncomfortable around my dad now
There's some kind of anger that I have for him
But I don't understand it yet.