27.1.15

I was going to take an aderall,
but I ended up having a reaction
I'm just pacing
And talking to myself
You know
Am I really going to take this drug
Like
Relying on something
In order just to function more efficiently
I feel like
It's
mind control
But that could be just me controlling my own mind
Which I'm into
But I'm doing that
With the help of something outside of myself.
I've been against prescriptions for so long
But I kind of think that I'm against prescriptions as a consistent use
With the intention to change their whole chemistry
I could use this based on my own terms
It's like getting stoned to chill out
Or drinking to exude more energy
I just don't want to become dependant
I don't want to gain a new vice
Just as I leave one
Because of course
that always happens

I called Mereith to talk to her about it
Because I know of all people
she would tell me that it's okay
Because she does ithe same

And I sat there thinking about who to call to talk to about this
And I just
I just want to talk to myself about it
Make decisions without any influence
But also,
though it is influencial,
they might be able to give advice from outside knowledge that

Okay whatever I took it

20.1.15

He took my fucking sunglasses

4.1.15

Liza brought up that I'd been roofied three times to Clio
And I said yep yep
But then I realized that no
It's been four times
Every time was fine
Except for the first one
And they asked how I knew I was roofied
And I explained to them that my whole body was made of vaseline
And my limbs couldn't move
And I couldn't open my eyes
or breathe
But I felt everything
And It hurt
And then
It kind of really really hit me what happened
And I sat in the back of the car
And a panic attack started to come
My eyes were wide open
with fear
and the dawning of full understanding
I think that what they did to me
Was so mean
It was 
So mean

I am
A
Good
Person.
I have  spent a lot of my time in California trying to re-gain the connection between my mind and my body
I realized that I stopped communicating with myself
I feel like when I am anorexic,
I am constantly shutting out certain thoughts
And only allowing certain thoughts
In order to continue this
Destructive control
I feel like I reacted to having emotions for a man
In a very immature manner
I am really disappointed in myself
I tried to take everything so well
And I was
but my eating disorder kind of
I don't know
It made me shaky
Shaky in my bones
And thoughts
And words

I've been stuck reminiscing on memories I feel like the fall always does that
And I think I've sat in them long enough I may now move forward
I once again have to focus on respecting myself
And finding self worth outside of just my body
Because my body is shit
ha
ha

...

ha

I was smoking a pack a day
I guess instead of meals
So now I've been averaging like 6 a day
I think that's much better

I just want to go back to New York
and stop feeling like a baby in California
I feel like a damn child here
like
everything is so sweet
and I can just lump around
you simply plateau here
because you can

I think I'm one of those people who gets a little affected at the lack of personal routine
But i would also consider myself to be a very good traveler
Limping on my broken toe
In heels
Because
Ya gotsa keep goin'.


I keep thinking about
violence
And how it's been a big part of my life from the people that loved me like family.
What if I am used to that kind of painful passion
What if I meet someone sweet
Which is my desire at the moment
But what if I become the bully now
I kind of saw that in myself when I was being mean to Eloy
It felt really good to stomp on him
Because I guess
I've never been able to make someone feel bad before
And I've never taken the oppourtunity
I think that's pretty fucked up
To use someone's kindness for my own power
And leaving them in pain
I really fucked that up
So I guess my experience with him is a lesson that I will soak in
It's unfortunate.
But what I guess that's it.

Am I even ready to be in a relationship?
Is that what I even want?
Am I pressuring myself?
I don't know, I have this longing inside of me
It's physical
There's my mind that wishes to be some kind of de humanized creature
I want to just
live in my passion
and float smiling throughout all the beautiful things there are to experience in this world
I want to love and let go
And be loved
And I want every touch of skin to be made  of velvet
But it's not like that
My skin bleeds, and velvet can be made out of shards of glass
I might swallow the spit that we mix together
But that shit the vinegar that makes my throat raw
And my mind numb in this blinder manner where everything I've ever taught myself is something that I forgot
Literally I was INVISIBLE a moment ago.
Boys turned me down,
And I laughed
And danced
And slept well every night

I felt strong in my vulnerability.
But I think that I've retracted a little bit however not too far back where I can't make it back easily.

I'm uncomfortable around my dad now
There's some kind of anger that I have for him
But I don't understand it yet.