27.1.15

I was going to take an aderall,
but I ended up having a reaction
I'm just pacing
And talking to myself
You know
Am I really going to take this drug
Like
Relying on something
In order just to function more efficiently
I feel like
It's
mind control
But that could be just me controlling my own mind
Which I'm into
But I'm doing that
With the help of something outside of myself.
I've been against prescriptions for so long
But I kind of think that I'm against prescriptions as a consistent use
With the intention to change their whole chemistry
I could use this based on my own terms
It's like getting stoned to chill out
Or drinking to exude more energy
I just don't want to become dependant
I don't want to gain a new vice
Just as I leave one
Because of course
that always happens

I called Mereith to talk to her about it
Because I know of all people
she would tell me that it's okay
Because she does ithe same

And I sat there thinking about who to call to talk to about this
And I just
I just want to talk to myself about it
Make decisions without any influence
But also,
though it is influencial,
they might be able to give advice from outside knowledge that

Okay whatever I took it

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