5.6.15

Hella black eye it's kind of morbid 

Also kind of don't want to hang out with anyone 
Other than Og Babetown 

2.6.15

We went to Elvis
And I forgot about everything 
But the bouncer called Liss and her friend out on the beer in their bags 
So we go to my house 

We walk there

My legs turned into those of spiders
Long and cracked at a right angle 
Like those of a newborn horse 
Bent and attempting the drag 
My face melts in this curdled emotion 
And I stare into the back of my skull 
And swallow 
And swallow 
And curdle 

We get home
And I find myself in the bathroom 
Punching my face
Over 
And over 


I hope that this habit isn't returning 

How is this addicting 


Why would I like anything from this 

My bruise has already swollen off of my skull 
So that it had it's own shadow


The color of my skin has changed 
Within the few hours 

I look punished 

I suppose I am. 
My face is a little swollen and bruised 
I'll know if I gave myself a black eye when I wake up tomorrow 
I want to rid myself of this
Velvet chest I own
I was more at peace when I was dead

And honestly,
I am kind of pissed at this dude
Because three months after I tell him I like him
He tells it to me back
And comes over
And fucks me
And I don't see him again for so long
And now he pops in and out of my life
While he's in love with someone else
Just to seemingly keep me
As a prospect
As a longing girl


I fell in love with his beauty
And the sex

I feel this violence inside of my limbs
I think it's simply anger for causing me pain
But I don't think he meant to do so
I think that this is just a reaction

I'm mad
I'm mad that
I'm a fool
I'm mad that
No one can ever love me for some reason

I am meant for men with fists
With dicks that pound me like I'm not a human
With hearts that only beam at mirrors

I am
Only thriving when I crawl in the gutter
The cracks in the walls filled with cocaine
The sewer liquid made of tequila toxic
The air thick with tobacco tears

I am 
A woman whom holds a life too morbid
I am
Uncomfortable for the public
I am
Meant for loneliness
Due to 
My death since childhood

I am embarrassed of myself
Of course
Of course
I am 
Here to wither

Of course
I am
Endlessly
Pining
And alone

My dreams have been warning me for so long
But I don't listen to them
Because I don't want to hear it

I need him to come
And kill me, himself.
So that I can understand
The reality
Of what is

The reality
That I am alone
And I am too much
Too much
To ever love


I need to
I need coke
and I need cigarettes
I want to drown myself
I want my eyes to dry
And roll into the back of my head
I want to smile evil

I just feel like god damnit
This isn't fair
I was such an empty corpse for so long
And I meet this man 
Right when I start to become warm
And being with him
Helped me to work on the strength of vulnerability
And I fell

And he didn't catch me