25.10.15

My family is a little overwhelming as my brother is making mistakes, lying a lot, and I talked my parents into letting him move to La, but none of them communicate well, so I have to listen and calm everyone down and turn that around to communicating to each other for each other, but it feels good to help my family, and I've studied each person and the dynamics to at least a small point where I can understand what is going on and then in turn solve it.
I was with Caitie [you met her in Berlin, I think], she was visiting New York and staying with me. We went out one night and ended up at her friend's house this dude she's known for years. I was so unnatracted to him and didn't like his personality, but at his house, I changed my mind and slept with him. I did two small bumps of coke and remembered thinking that it felt different than any coke I did in Ny it didn't just wake me up but made me happy and talkative and relaxed.
A few days later, Caitie went out with him again and came back so fucked up but in a different way than alcohol, and she kept changing mood drastically. Awake, but coming in and out of awareness. She had to fly to California that night like an hour and a half after getting to my house. She called me the next day and told me that she got blood tested because she was so fucked up on her flight, and she had an insane amount of ghb in her system, and she said that we were drugged the night that I was there and slept with him because she has done ghb before as a party drug, and it felt exactly the same. I looked it up and read a few websites that described exactly how I felt, I knew something was wrong early into having sex with him. And when I was walking home which was close, and it was like I was on psychedelics in the way that everything was slow motion, and people were so specific I saw so many details about every person in those "quick" moments. I felt dumb for a while because I've never been betrayed by my mind like that. I've been drugged before, but I was kind of in an abstinent phase, so I knew 100% the truth of what I wanted and had control, but this was a different drug, and I do sleep and hook up with people now, so I think that I can't automatically trust myself and have to question myself before I make decisions like that.
So I got really depressed and was really taken by the realization that this kind of comes with being a woman. I thought it would be over once I lived a healthier life, but no, dude, we're never fully safe.We got to make sure we're aware and check in with ourselves often about situations with men.I once again felt like my body was stained and over degraded. I was also really deep into painting and was taking adderall to paint for hours, so I wasn't getting much sleep or food, so I lost weight in the wrong way, and my butt got so small!!! So I felt insecure about my body it was the first time I had starved without purposefully doing it, and since I quite for good, I really hated it and felt embarrassed. I didn't feel attractive, and I felt like I was doing something bad to myself. It was frustrating because painting was so good for my soul and mind, but I had this physical mass that had to be taken care of and was a hassle.
And with the instance from that man, I in turn didn't want a body anymore it seemed like such trouble it brought unwanted attention and needed maintenance that I didn't feel the inclination to attend to. I wanted to be a floating entity, but I was exhausted and dilapidated all my thoughts were negative, so I wanted a break just to float and be but have no thoughts nor communication. Just exist in black blank nothing like meditation. Wait, I should meditate...
For a while, I thought that I was just inevitably going to endure this disrespect chronically throughout life like I was created for it. The night that was the worst, I cried all over the streets in front of the bars that I was spending time in, and my old lover whom I was heart broken over last year ended up coming over when I ended up home with my friends, and we stayed up all night doing amazing coke and speaking about philosophy, and I talked a lot about how I was feeling and what happened. We slept in the same bed, and we had done that before recently, but with separate blankets, and he had not tried anything at all it made me feel very respected. But this time, we collided, and it was only out of friendship this time, but it was really nice to have someone be kind to my body it was so nice it cleansed the stain.
I let myself die, and then I walked by this homeless man sitting on the sidewalk, he pointed to me and said, "Just look at this! This is what’s wrong! I hate her! That devil shit!”
And it made me laugh because I was saying horrible things to myself, too, so it was like "hey man, I was just saying that how coincidental!" And I smiled for real, and it was the first time I felt positive and like I loved myself since I became sad. And after that, I reminded myself that i have survived everything that has happened to me, and I have endured many worse moments. I was being challenged by life and reacted with weakness, so by becoming aware of that, I fought all negativity with strength. ANd I have been over it and unaffected since.
Not taking adderall nearly as often mostly avoid it, have been eating, working out, and sleeping, and taking care of myself to battle back, and so I'm alive and back on this planet I'm chillin dude I'm strong woman.

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