23.11.15

Oh everything changes
I feel as if the phases overturn more quickly these past years especially this one
I wonder if that really is the case or that I am just more aware now.
Eloy still comes back.
He's in love with this girl, Mercedes
It seems that she really cares for him, too
Because she mad dogged me last year when he and I were in the thick of sharing sheets
He introduced her as a friend
I forget how he introduced me
And I saw her recently after I slept with him again this year
It was the same, and E acted odd towards me
I had to grab his shoulder to say hello
He acted similar the time I met her last year
I think that he comes back when she won't take him
He messages me on Fb which I think is maybe him being eggy
And he says "Can I see you"
And I feel like he could just text and say hey wanna hang
Instead of making it sound like
Like I'm the other woman
We were hanging out as friends
He slept over, and we had different blankets, and he didn't try
I liked that since I had been raped recently before that
But I like sleeping next to each other
It's an old comfort.
The second time, I cried a lot about the rape it had finally hit me
And we had sex
Upon his instigation
And that's when I saw him two days later with M
I think that if he loves her, and she cares, they should be happy
I don't want to do things with him if this beautiful woman is going to be negatively affected
And I am, as well, because he now acts differently towards me once again
Unresponsive and the lack of communication
We spoke about how it's really great that we're friends, and we are both happy.
He was in my life in a different way that he had been
Attentive as a friend
But his retreat back to old interactions has left me viewing him as weak and lost
In a way that I don't
That maybe I judge
I think it's fueled by resentment

My body is depressed it has seeped into my mind
The sun don't shine in my room; I don't wake
I am gluttonous, and it leaves me with a physical mass that is heavy to carry
Sluggish
I am attempting to resolve this

I got tested and went to the gyno everything is fine
But my smell is off
It's not bad
It's just not mine
And I had a yeast infection from slug man
I took care of that
But maybe it's minimally there?
I'm taking probiotics to even out my body

I'm working on the haus to change myself

I'm sleeping with this rapper, Garrison Black
He is beautiful, he likes me a lot
I like my power in that
I don't make it easy
I don't try to
I naturally do so
Our brainwaves don't collide in the way that I imagine myself to reciprocate any emotions
Maybe tho
I think that he isn't passive enough like other men to let me easily hurt him
The birth chart between us says that we'll be strong in sexuality, but there will be violence
I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want them to be wary
Or to pre assume such
Or to dislike him
It's just horoscope
I just didn't like reading that

I haven't worked on my art in a moment
I am aware of that
I am aware that I don't like that

I take adderall or vyvanse almost every day
I like it so what
I don't think I'm addicted?
There's a difference between the lifestyle of things and the need for them
I do notice a difference in my personality and energy
but I like it so what

I starved for two months from it
Was the first time that I did it on accident
Without an attempt to uphold
And without the happiness from it
Looking in the mirror, I saw my body sad
I didn't like being "thin"
Thin for my body is different
It looks normal, but my bones are very protruding
And my face gets very sunken in
I think that my structure enhances these things

Since I have decided to move to Berlin,
I am no longer in love with New York
If I didn't have this amazing apartment with N00gah,
I would most likely feel caged

I am caging myself, though
Stuck in Claud Haus
It always does this

I have been writing so much poetry I think it's all so good
I am working on a few freestyles
I am working on an oil painting
And a charcoal drawing of my favourite corpse

I'm trying to get a nanny job

Life is so different
I drive myself crazy sometimes looking for troubles
And the change from summer to fall and now fall to winter
Brings contemplation and always this darkness over
The bad

It doesn't help that I'm
Not mundane
But so calm
I don't drink much at all
It's the adderall 

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