26.11.16

Man
I'm pretty bitter at my friends
like all of them
I've expressed what is going on with me
and like no one is really
Like most of it is that I'm not coming to them
but I guess it's mostly Nino
like I have tried to talk to him about what is going on
and how I'm feeling
and most the time he just doesn't respond
I'm feeling bitter towards him about it
I just feel like
I never really need anyone to get myself thru shit
but the time has come that I do need a lot of suppourt
and I don't really see it from a lot of the people
that I have given a lot to 

I don't know

16.11.16

My FUCKING MOM
Jesus fucking christ dude
We both could not go to sleep last night
I went to sleep around 5:00
And our alarms start going off at 8
So around 8:30 she says from her room
Masha, I depend on you to make coffee
I say okay and shove myself out of bed
I get all the shit together
The water boils
I pour the water in the french press
Wash two cups for us
and I go chill in my room for a sec while it steeps
And she just bitches at me from her room
like make the coffee make the coffee
excuse me, I kno you hear me walking around the house and bustin in the kitchen
I said I did it's steeping
then I go into the kitchen and am putting her coffee in her cup
And she's bitching about me making the coffee
LIKE HOLD ON
I bring it to her and she like
jolts up in her bed
did you do the dishes
I said did you ask me too
she yells I DON'T HAVE TO ASK YOU TO
and I jus close the door an tell her to stay quiet
and she's sitting in there
sipping her fucking coffee
mumbling shit about me
it's like this every fucking morning
it's been twenty days of this
every fucking morning
I feel like rude saying this
but she's coming back with me to Berlin
and is going to be there for four days
but I'm like
just holding my breath until I'm back into my own house
and free to live 
and those four days 
are just like
fuuuuuuuck whyyyyyyy
this is way too long to be 24/7 with your mother

I want to say shit to her like
bitch keep a journal you talk too much shit

14.11.16

Every morning begins with screaming 

.

In the midst of all of this 
Avi has been in a coma since October 27th
There's only a little part of her left brain 
And the right is completely gone 
Even if she wakes up
She won't be able to speak or walk 
And she has a little girl

And here I am wishing to kill myself 

The night that Eli died 
I was wishing to kill myself 

This is all so daunting 
And such a mess
I don't know how to react
Or how to take anything 

141116

So 
I'm coming to a lot of understandings
This whole time, I thought that I talked about my issues
Because I was working on them
Or accepting them
But I realize it's that I'm obsessed
I'm just so obsessed with these things that happened
And I relate everything to them
My conversations
What people do
I walk around the world just thinking about these things
And I'm feeding them
And keeping them present with this
I need to be present
And be in my current life

And sometimes, I act like a martyr
Esp for poc
Like I'm going to save everything
Like I'm going to end racism
I feel like I'm more focused on my voice 
And getting attention for my voice so that everybody knows that I'm not racist and that I will stand against racism
When what I really need to do is be a suppourt to their fight
And I feel really ashamed of that
Because of all things I didn't want to do
I didn't want to take anything away from them
Like 
Fucking that's what white people do!
And I am a part of that!
I'm really disappointed in myself!
Snax has sent me articles about being an ally
And they have really been teaching me
And I'm really grateful for her patience
I need to apply what I have learned

Also, I am so irrational with my emotions right now
I just am so sensitive that I've become bitter
And resentful
and angry
and I sometimes put those emotions in the wrong places
and I constantly express myself as a victim
I think because when I was younger,
none of these things were validated
but they are validated now
and I can calm down

I've been also selfish
with my possessions
when everyone is so sharing with me
I'm also selfish with my thoughts at times
I'm so focused on myself and my issues
I don't have the attention span for people
like when they talk,
it's like I'm holding onto the cliff of a mountain
trying to pay attention
why do I need so much suppourt 
but don't reciprocate
I'm like obsessed with myself
in all ways 
I'm just obsessed with what's wrong
or making things wrong
and having everyone come to be about that

I think that I need to 
step back
from myself and from everyone
I need to become more private
I don't think that I should expect things from people
Just because I would give things to them

It's really weak to say
but I wish I could kill myself
I know it's going to get better
but I just wish I could
decide to give up
and then life would just end
like
go black
I don't want the act of killing myself
I just want to give up
and have this be it
I think that life has gone too far
and too many bad things have happened
and I am too much
and doing it wrong
and handling everything wrong