14.11.16

141116

So 
I'm coming to a lot of understandings
This whole time, I thought that I talked about my issues
Because I was working on them
Or accepting them
But I realize it's that I'm obsessed
I'm just so obsessed with these things that happened
And I relate everything to them
My conversations
What people do
I walk around the world just thinking about these things
And I'm feeding them
And keeping them present with this
I need to be present
And be in my current life

And sometimes, I act like a martyr
Esp for poc
Like I'm going to save everything
Like I'm going to end racism
I feel like I'm more focused on my voice 
And getting attention for my voice so that everybody knows that I'm not racist and that I will stand against racism
When what I really need to do is be a suppourt to their fight
And I feel really ashamed of that
Because of all things I didn't want to do
I didn't want to take anything away from them
Like 
Fucking that's what white people do!
And I am a part of that!
I'm really disappointed in myself!
Snax has sent me articles about being an ally
And they have really been teaching me
And I'm really grateful for her patience
I need to apply what I have learned

Also, I am so irrational with my emotions right now
I just am so sensitive that I've become bitter
And resentful
and angry
and I sometimes put those emotions in the wrong places
and I constantly express myself as a victim
I think because when I was younger,
none of these things were validated
but they are validated now
and I can calm down

I've been also selfish
with my possessions
when everyone is so sharing with me
I'm also selfish with my thoughts at times
I'm so focused on myself and my issues
I don't have the attention span for people
like when they talk,
it's like I'm holding onto the cliff of a mountain
trying to pay attention
why do I need so much suppourt 
but don't reciprocate
I'm like obsessed with myself
in all ways 
I'm just obsessed with what's wrong
or making things wrong
and having everyone come to be about that

I think that I need to 
step back
from myself and from everyone
I need to become more private
I don't think that I should expect things from people
Just because I would give things to them

It's really weak to say
but I wish I could kill myself
I know it's going to get better
but I just wish I could
decide to give up
and then life would just end
like
go black
I don't want the act of killing myself
I just want to give up
and have this be it
I think that life has gone too far
and too many bad things have happened
and I am too much
and doing it wrong
and handling everything wrong














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